We Could Be In the Clouds Right Now

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Cassie's Network

Cassie, London.



NEW FOLLOWER? COME SAY HI <3

Hey everyone, this is the place for me to vent anything I might be feeling. I have always kept journals and this is my online one.

Thinspo, black and white, dreams, confessions, mental illness, suicide, torment, melancholy, cutting.

I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), (mostly-) Pure O OCD, Endogenous Depression, Anorexia Nervosa (Purging Subtype) and Substance Abuse. I am both bulimic and anorexic in stops and starts, at the moment I am far above my GW :(. I have been hearing voices for over a year now, and last summer had a major psychotic episode. Together with mania this all makes me, in all likelihood, bipolar to boot.

Much as I get tired of the mental health system, it does help me understand myself better, since most of the time I have no clue who I am or if I even exist.

If you have any questions please ask, I am here to discuss important issues as well as random stuff :)

NSFW - The content of this blog might be triggering, please do not follow if you feel vulnerable.

I am pro ana/mia and pro cutting, but only where it concerns myself. I do not recommend eating disorders or self harm to anyone else nor do I encourage it.

Last binge + purge: March 2013

Last fast: April 2013

I have a PROGRESS BLOG which I haven't recently updated due to my body not being fit to be seen atm. Please ask for the password if you are interested in my 2012 progress.

The last few months I have been heavily depressed. My manic episode started receding around late summer last year and by November, straight after Ken’s funeral, I had been admitted as inpatient once more, but this time not for psychosis and agitation but for depression. I dont even remember anything from my first few days there, time and space and reality seemed to consist only of some sticky goo I couldn’t see through let alone have the strength to wade through. I was told afterwards I had tried to escape the hospital a couple of times. Beats me how I managed to muster the energy and it doesn’t surprise me I didn’t succeed.

Fast forward a few months and I have a new boyfriend and two homes and my friends are still all around me and my parents. But Im still not happy. I went to a music festival two weeks ago and ended up hiding under a table at the venue, literally paralyzed with despondency and overwhelmed. Luckily one of my good friends found me and took me back to the hotel, and I am eternally grateful. The next day wasn’t much better, and I ended up not being able to leave the hotel, missing all my favourite bands I specifically paid to see, and repeating out loud to infinity in a monotone drawl the words ‘death is the only option’ and ‘I can’t take this’. This went on for about three hours at a regular pace, and I was spared from taking the surely lethal overdose I was planning (I always carry quite the cocktail of meds with me) by passing out from sheer depressed exhaustion.

On the bright side I did very much enjoy the first day I spent at the festival. I was hypomanic for most of it, thanks no doubt to the humble supply of ketamine I had the foresight to take with me. Towards the end of the night my state escalated to actual mania and my OCD flared up to the point that I alarmed and scared a few people who didn’t know me too well. Still, I managed to calm down relatively well and caught a couple of hours of sleep, which, even though I hate it, is sometimes the only solution.

"What is sleep but little slices of death."

"Sleep is like death but without the commitment" XD

Currently I am back in London and two days ago I did a risky and expensive thing and ordered some meds online. I have read a lot about bupropion (Wellbutrin) and am hoping it will help me with my disabling depression. I have cut all ties with my pdoc, I have dubbed him the Maggot King and will have nothing more to do with him if I can help it. Which I can. Therefore I must manage on my own. Besides, bupropion is only prescribed as an antidepressant in America. Here in the UK it is a short term smoking cessation aid. I hope it works for me. I hope it gets to me in the first place and I haven’t been conned by some dodgy scam of an online pharmacy specializing in erectile disfunction, which curiously a lot of them seem to do…

Feeling promisingly euthymic this morning and hoping it will only increase in the next few weeks and months. I have a suspicion that my cycles might be tied to the seasons of the year.

Over and out.